"You Mean I Am Not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy!?"

I have posted a few things on the side bar here>>>>>
This book and DVD are what have gotten me on my way and opened my eyes to this messed up brain of mine. They have been ever helpful so far and I am not even all the way though them yet. I know that if you are wondering about these things and ADD they are a great place to start!

Also check out the link that I have posted on the sidebar as well. Totallyadd.com is a great place to start. They even have a pretty comprehensive test to see if you have a crazy messed up brain like me!

My Opened Eyes

So since I have decided to take this journey, I have been seeing the symptoms everywhere and in everyone. I'm watch T.V and see a character who won't sit down and is pacing the interrogation room and in my head for that split second I am saying I wonder if he has it?

Its worse in looking at myself though. I am sure that because I am reading about it magically my symptoms have gotten so much out of the blue, but sitting down and doing my homework has become so much harder. I don't think that it really has though. I am starting to just pay attention to how hard it really is for me to write a 1500 word essay on my career plans for the next 2 years. These thing that I have always thought were hard, I am starting to see as so much harder know because I am looking for and seeing the huge rope that is tying me to the couch playing the same repetitive game video game that I have been playing for months.

I have also been noticing how much I will be in the middle of doing something important such as working on an end of the year project due tomorrow, and my head will remind me that I wanted to check that one NBA stat that I have been wanting to know for weeks and keep forgetting to look up and that know that I have remembered to do it I better minimize Word and open the internet to check it now or I will forget.

I knew that in the beginning of this journey things would be rough, but straight up this being a pain in the a$$ so far. I have to get to the part where I learn to start dealing with it or my head just may explode.

ADD....You Suck!!!

My family and friends and I have always joked about me having ADD. I have never been able to focus on things and I never shut up. In class, even now that I am in college, I blurt out answers as other sit with their hands raised waiting to be called on. There is much more to it then just these things, but l'll explain more later. Anyway, I recently recorded a special on PBS called ADD and loving it. This was a very eye opening thing for me to watch. The things that the special attributes to ADD were things that I have disliked about myself for as long as I can remember and I had not even the slightest clue that they went hand in hand! So this is kind of a hard thing to talk about, which I'm pretty sure the first time I've ever said that! Lol. Anyway because it has so much to do about the things I don't like about myself, it is a hard thing to put out there. So I have decided to write about it and what better place then here to do it!

I have not yet been officially diagnosed with this yet. This is one of the reasons that I am so scared and nervous. Am I using this disorder that people are dealing with and having such a hard time with as an excuse for things I don't like about myself so that I can live with bad behavior that I have taught myself?! I have very strong mixed feelings about being diagnosed. If I do have it, then I have a name to put to these crazy thoughts and angering failures that have plagued me for so long. On the other hand if they say I don't have it, then all these failures are mine, and I have no one or nothing to blame, nothing to get rid of this huge weight off my shoulders. If not then its just me and my faults, short comings and failures staring at each other in a dark scary room. The only thing that I can think of that's worse then that room is sitting in it when there may be a way out. With this in mind I will do what I can this week to find out the answer to this question. I'm scared, but I can't let my family deal with my ignoring them and snapping at them just because I can't get my head to focus on that chapter I have to read before class tomorrow, not when there is possible way out of this crazy upside down world that is my head. Part 2 and many more to come.